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Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

Not sure if you allow these Steve but I thought I would share it -

PLUMBER DIES

A Plumber (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Plumber
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The Plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

July 27, 2016 at 5:50 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Can the Man
Member
Posts: 12862

Very good John

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July 30, 2016 at 2:30 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Nottingham Red
Member
Posts: 2901

ha ha, certainly rings true with the plumbers I work with!!

August 1, 2016 at 12:52 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

I have a few irish ones Can, but don't want to offend ?

August 2, 2016 at 2:58 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Caletafuerteventura
Site Owner
Posts: 21517

When I was young I was sitting in the classroom wearing a Leicester City shirt and the teacher asked me " why are you wearing that football team shirt?"

 

 

"Because my mum is a Leicester fan, and my dad is a Leicester fan, so I'm a Leicester fan too!" .

 

 

"Well, " said my teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Leicester fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? "


I smiled, and said "then obviously I'd be a Forest fan. "

August 6, 2016 at 4:37 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Nottingham Red
Member
Posts: 2901

Caletafuerteventura at August 6, 2016 at 4:37 PM

When I was young I was sitting in the classroom wearing a Leicester City shirt and the teacher asked me " why are you wearing that football team shirt?"

 

 

"Because my mum is a Leicester fan, and my dad is a Leicester fan, so I'm a Leicester fan too!" .

 

 

"Well, " said my teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Leicester fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? "


I smiled, and said "then obviously I'd be a Forest fan. "

funnily enough I've got some similar jokes about derby, unfortunately, not suitable for a family friendly site!! :D

August 7, 2016 at 6:58 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Caletafuerteventura
Site Owner
Posts: 21517

A Derby County fan  and a Leicester City fan are strolling along Derwent Drive and suddenly the Leicester City supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!". The Derby County fan looks skywards and says "Huh, Where?

August 16, 2016 at 2:27 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Can the Man
Member
Posts: 12862

John I was going to plagerise the Japanese joke from the Fuerte forum until I realised it was one of yours, so I will leave you the pleasure of posting it. I think it's brilliant. 

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August 17, 2016 at 3:12 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

Thanks Can - Here goes


Fancy that !


The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they
were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations
B.O.H. Team, reveal that:

North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average,
have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly
the same age group, will have sex only once or
twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my
buddies at the golf club, as none of us had
any idea that we were Japanese.
August 17, 2016 at 4:28 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

And one for the Guardia -

CATHOLIC CHAUFFEUR


After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
 
'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
 
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 130 mph. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinean, and Fangio the famous racer, was Argentinean.)
 
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!', moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 130 mph.
 
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
 
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
 
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
 
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: ' A senator?'
 
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: 'The President?'
 
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
Cop: 'I think it's GOD!
 
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
 
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

August 17, 2016 at 4:31 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Can the Man
Member
Posts: 12862

Brilliant John :D

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August 19, 2016 at 8:31 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

Can the Man at August 19, 2016 at 8:31 AM

Brilliant John :D

Glad you like :)

August 19, 2016 at 9:54 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

These are not only funny but great reminders that a word left out or

misplaced modifier can sometimes change the meaning.

 

In the Restroom:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

 

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

 

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

 

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

 

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

 

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

 

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

August 20, 2016 at 12:24 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

OLYMPIC QUOTES -


Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

August 20, 2016 at 12:26 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Can the Man
Member
Posts: 12862

Brilliant John, can you remember the famous golf gaff during the ladies golf a number of years ago by a commentator, I can't remember all of it but it made some comment about the size of her arsenal or something. 

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August 20, 2016 at 5:48 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

Can - I would say a Peter Allis!!! or the one when a caddie on the 18th, whos player has a 2ft putt, says to a female spectator I fancy this for a '69'

August 21, 2016 at 4:01 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Can the Man
Member
Posts: 12862

Yes it was Peter Allis, and I love your 69 :D :D :D

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August 21, 2016 at 4:20 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Caletafuerteventura
Site Owner
Posts: 21517

This year's best joke at the Edinburg Festival:

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" by Masai Graham

August 23, 2016 at 4:10 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Windermeregolfer
Member
Posts: 1549

Humor for the thinking person.!!!!!!!!

If you're not familiar the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and

replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.

Here are some of his gems.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

And the all-time favorite:

36 - If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

 

 

September 6, 2016 at 11:49 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Can the Man
Member
Posts: 12862

During a recent Password Audit by my Bank, they found I was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofeyDublin.

When asked why I had such a long password I replied 'are you Bloomin Stupid ?, I was told my password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital.'

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September 7, 2016 at 12:02 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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